[In case you somehow missed it, the lovely and talented Pamela Ribon wrote an essay based on her excellent new novel, Going In Circles, which was featured today on Oprah.com. Obviously, now that it's been shared on Facebook and Twitter over 1000 times (and counting!), the next step is for Pam to appear on Oprah. I think that'll go a LITTLE something...like this.]
Oprah: You all know about Eat, Pray, Love, right?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Oprah: Well, my guest today has written a novel she jokingly terms Eat, Cry, Shove.
Audience: [laughter]
Oprah: The book is Going In Circles, and an essay she wrote for Oprah.com just straight-up TOOK OFF, so here to tell us about her life on the roller derby circuit and her alter ego May Q. HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA: please welcome Pamela RIBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!
Audience: [goes nuts]
[PAM walks out to the stage; OPRAH grips both her hands and shakes them excitedly. They sit.]
Oprah: So Pamela, in your essay you wrote that roller derby is the fastest growing women’s sport in the country, and you know, I like to find out these things at the same time as my audience, so: what is roller derby?
Pam: It’s a fast-paced game played on an oval track, where jammers try to skate past as many members of the opposing team as possible, without getting blocked, and earn points based on the number of girls they pass.
Oprah: And now, why is it called “roller” derby?
Pam: Oh — uh, because you play on roller skates.
Oprah: On WHAT? [mugs to AUDIENCE]
Pam: On roller skates, the four-wheeled ones like they used to have at roller rinks?
Oprah: And so you’re expected to play a sport while rolling around on WHEELS?
Pam: Sure; it just adds to the challenge, like playing ice hockey on blades.
Oprah: Never heard of it. So now, you write that your roller derby teammates got you through a difficult time in your life, and I’ve gotta say, there are some times in my life when I think I leaned more on Gayle than on Steadman!
Pam: [nervous laughter]
Oprah: So your book is really about girl power, right? GIRL POOOOOOOOOOOOWER!
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOO!
Pam: Uh, sure, you definitely do see a lot of displays of raw power on the track, when you’re skating as hard as you can and one girl can just take you down.
Oprah: That doesn’t sound very ladylike.
Pam: [looks quizzical]
Oprah: [looks stern]
Pam: Ladylike, maybe not. But that’s how the game is played, and you could never respect another player if she went easy on you.
Oprah: If any girl tried to knock me down I would just have my good friend John Travolta buzz her house in his jet all day and night until she went insane from lack of sleep.
Pam: Derby might not be the sport for you, Oprah.
Oprah: MAY Q. HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fin.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Oprah would totally give me the two-fisted handshake. But I would not stop trying to cultivate our new friendship until I got to meet John Travolta. Zuko forever!!
You used the “Oprah’s Vajayjay” photo! Yay!
‘Oprah: And now, why is it called “roller” derby?’
Perfect.
I just tried to go to pamie.com, and, since the last time I checked the site, my company has blocked it. (Reason? “Tastless & Offensive” content.)
Grr. “Tasteless”
Tasteless well there is a first time for everything
ha
I can’t believe I just found my sister on taraariano.com. I no longer understand the Internet.
And Georgia, I’m pretty sure it’s because in a later post I use the phrase “butt-raped.” …. Sorry.