Tara Ariano — Personal Blog of the World's #1 Fan of Dairy Products

Things I Think At, But Do Not Say To, People At The Gym #37

August 30, 2011

Apparently there isn’t anything I can do to stop you pregnant ladies from working out like the rest of us normals, so whatever, I’ve made my peace with the fact that I’m going to see you at the gym. But the next time I see one of you with a kettlebell, I am going to [...]

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Things I Think At, But Do Not Say To, People At The Gym #36

August 5, 2011

If you expect people upstairs, in the locker rooms, and outside on the sidewalk to know how you feel about the latest stock market news, you are going to have to huff and sigh just a tiny bit louder.

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I Think I Might Be Ready To Try Lobster

July 27, 2011

Growing up in a landlocked province exactly halfway between two oceans, fish was not a staple of my diet. In fact, I don’t recall my mother ever even trying to feed me any kind of seafood (other than tuna salad, or battered whitefish in a fish-and-chips scenario) until my mom married my dad came along [...]

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Viewmaster

July 6, 2011

This may prove to be my best purchase of the summer.

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Things I Think At, But Do Not Say To, People At The Gym #35

June 29, 2011

No one can stop you from working out in what are, without a doubt, the most spectacularly crotchworn gym shorts I have ever seen. I guess I’m kind of surprised that common decency hasn’t caused you to think twice about wearing them on the recumbent bike positioned directly at the top of the stairs, but [...]

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A Short Play About Watching The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills With My Sister

June 25, 2011

Leah: Would you have sex with Kelsey Grammer for $4 million? Me: Yes. …Well, wait: if I wasn’t already married. Leah: What if Dave could also have sex with someone who’d pay him $4 million? Me: Who? Leah: Someone equally as gross as Kelsey Grammer? Me: Who’s equally as gross as Kelsey Grammer? Leah: Camille. [...]

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I Wish I Knew What This Means!

June 13, 2011

In my last dream before I woke up this morning, Anthony Weiner had decided to try to burnish his image by volunteering at my local branch of the public library. It seems like that would be a good idea, but there were a few problems. First, the put-upon, disgusted attitude that was so hot when [...]

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I Got A New Haircut

June 10, 2011

Or should I say, “I got new hairCUTS”?! I shouldn’t. But let me explain. In 2008, I got this haircut. And I kept it like that, more or less, for the next three years. (In early 2009, I changed salons, and my new stylist — the wonderful Lee at Arrojo — started undercutting it with [...]

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The Ballad Of Dave’s Murdered Roach

June 1, 2011

He wasn’t a man with much blood on his hands Though he’d shoo human trespassers off of his lands. But the time came for him to take one of his stands, And Dave had to murder a roach. In the heat of the night, he intended a run. He was donning his shoes in the [...]

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