Tara Ariano

Oh My Gaaaaaaaaah!

Tara Ariano — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 02:52:39 +0000

I wrote this post at work yesterday, predicting the Betty White episode of Saturday Night Live sketch by sketch. And what I did was PRETTY good, but then my dear friend Joe Reid made it even better by actually writing part of the final sketch. Enjoy.

“Ha-lo! Arrhythmia, murmur, beep-beep!”

“Beep-beep! I’m choking on a hard candy! Butterscotch.”

Alzheimer alarm! “Beep-beep! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?”

Alarms for city folks! “Beep-beep! Heat stroke. Teenagers.”

Disco alarm! “OOH! OOH! Party over here! Hip. Snap. Beep.”

Q: What Is Gayface?

Tara Ariano — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 21:42:43 +0000

A: Fig. 1

A Short Play About The Olympics

Tara Ariano — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 17:31:11 +0000

12:21:57 PM Tara Ariano: Did the U.S. lead the overall medal count?
12:22:00 PM Will Edmondson: yes
12:22:02 PM Tara Ariano: Okay.
12:22:03 PM Will Edmondson: broke records
12:22:08 PM Will Edmondson: most medals ever in a winter olympics
12:22:17 PM Tara Ariano: All right, America, I didn’t ask for your life story.
12:22:25 PM Will Edmondson: I know, because you dont think sports work
12:22:42 PM Tara Ariano: “work”?
12:23:03 PM Will Edmondson: I tried to relate to you by using work in the tim gunn fashion sense
12:23:31 PM Will Edmondson: it is the equivalent of a white middle aged guy using ebonics to try to relate to a black kid

Weekly Movie Forcening #7

Tara Ariano — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:57:48 +0000

Here’s the big surprise twist of Cop Out: I didn’t hate Cop Out. And I really expected to! I’ve hated Kevin Smith through his latest round of ridiculously petulant press (which I’m not going to promote further by linking; you know what I’m talking about), and I’ve been hating him since circa the terrible Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back. And yet Cop Out sort of works — probably in spite of him. Maybe the solution to his problems is that he should quit writing and just direct other people’s scripts from now on? Will and I pretty much agreed on the movie itself (which: not good, but not horrible, either), so stay tuned in our recap for our debate over how and whether artists should ever pick fights with their critics.

Next week: since it won the box office again, Shutter Island gets one last bite at the apple, but probably its last; it will probably be displaced by Alice In Wonderland, which I would like you to vote for, please. It should be good! Okay, it can’t be as tiresome as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.

A Short Play About Objectum Sexuals

Tara Ariano — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 18:07:59 +0000

12:53:46 PM Joe Reid: I’ve been trying to find a minute to think of a good story idea for Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
12:54:00 PM Tara Ariano: If only it were Monkeys Never Sleep.
12:54:14 PM Joe Reid: oh man
12:54:19 PM Joe Reid: that’s a scary thought
12:55:28 PM Tara Ariano: heh
12:56:31 PM Joe Reid: Nip/Tuck had an episode this season based on the lady who owned the chimp that tore her friend’s face off
12:56:39 PM Tara Ariano: OH NO.
12:56:49 PM Joe Reid: the lady played by Frances Conroy, of course
12:57:01 PM Joe Reid: and her face-less friend played by some character actress or other
12:57:19 PM Joe Reid: I’m generally somewhat anti-monkey anyway
12:57:25 PM Joe Reid: so that episode did me no favors
12:57:47 PM Tara Ariano: Oh dear.
12:58:36 PM Joe Reid: that’s one of the reasons I’ve somewhat stuck with Nip/Tuck through its descent into utter shit — they will totally rip a story from the headlines in the tackiest way possible
12:59:26 PM Tara Ariano: That’s pretty amazing.
1:00:05 PM Joe Reid: they did a pretty amazing Objectum Sexuality storyline
1:00:17 PM Tara Ariano: Of course.

1:00:18 PM Joe Reid: that guy really loved fucking couches
1:00:29 PM Tara Ariano: Is that…not normal?
1:00:37 PM Joe Reid: (oh dear…)
1:00:41 PM Tara Ariano: Sometimes a couch is asking for it.
1:00:59 PM Joe Reid: with their cushions hanging halfway off the frame
1:01:04 PM Tara Ariano: I’m not saying all of them, but some couches are just whores.
1:01:42 PM Joe Reid: “Fainting couches”? Why not just call yourself “fucking couches”?
1:01:54 PM Tara Ariano: Seriously!
1:02:26 PM Joe Reid: Well now I’m just picturing a demure loveseat wearing a “NO MEANS NO” t-shirt
1:02:31 PM Joe Reid: and matching placard
1:02:42 PM Tara Ariano: I don’t know where a loveseat thinks it gets off. IT’S RIGHT IN THE NAME.
1:03:01 PM Joe Reid: right?
1:03:07 PM Joe Reid: we’re not in the wrong here
1:03:17 PM Tara Ariano: Joe, we’re NEVER in the wrong.

A Short Play About This Poor Fool Doing Crunches

Tara Ariano — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 21:04:18 +0000

3:33:07 PM Will Edmondson: http://i.imgur.com/OEZWL.gif
3:33:58 PM Tara Ariano: HAHAHAHA
3:34:19 PM Tara Ariano: I could watch this all day.
3:34:22 PM Will Edmondson: yeah
3:34:24 PM Will Edmondson: its pretty bad
3:34:30 PM Tara Ariano: AND THE GUITAR!
3:34:37 PM Tara Ariano: I just noticed that the guitar falls over too.
3:34:39 PM Will Edmondson: yes
3:34:45 PM Tara Ariano: And why was this guy filming himself?
3:34:57 PM Will Edmondson: this gif is like an onion of comedy

Andrew Koenig’s Sister Speaks To The Early Show

Tara Ariano — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:25:05 +0000

I put this clip on the Sling.com homepage today, but I figured I’d share it here as well. There’s information in the segment on how to proceed if you have any information about Andrew Koenig, who recently disappeared in Vancouver.

Weekly Movie Forcening #6

Tara Ariano — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 19:46:49 +0000

Last night, by Sling.com blog user decree, Will and I saw The Wolfman. I doubt any of you saw its scorching 44% on Metacritic and thought you’d better race right out and see it, but in case you did: don’t. It’s not like it’s the worst thing ever or anything, but it’s just so mediocre that it’s impossible to care about it in either direction, except holy moly was Benicio Del Toro miscast. Hilariously, because he doesn’t even attempt a British accent even though he’s supposed to have hailed from Blackmoor, England and it’s 1891, they first have to explain that he was sent to America when he was little, and THEN, since that still doesn’t explain why he sounds like a Mexican-American born in the 1960s, they add a Spanish (or maybe Gypsy) mother. Maybe hire a British actor next time — or an American with some range? I don’t hate Del Toro when he’s deployed well, but here, he really was not.

Now you get to vote for the next movie. These are the three least offensive choices of 2010 so far…which is sad. But please vote for The Crazies, which I actually want to see (as opposed to the other two, which I think I’d just be okay with).

Help Find Andrew Koenig

Tara Ariano — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 03:31:33 +0000

I’ve posted some notes about this on Twitter and elsewhere, but: Andrew Koenig — most recently of the Never Not Funny podcast but originally of Growing Pains — has been missing in Vancouver since last week. Dave Holmes, a friend of Koenig’s, reports that police believe he is still alive, but it appears as though his family still hasn’t heard from him directly, so please look at his photo and share it if you can:

Please help find Andrew Koenig. He is a good man.

If you’ve seen Andrew since February 14th, or have any helpful information, PLEASE call Vancouver authorities @ 604-717-2967 or 604-717-2534. Refer to case #202029519.

A Short Play About Armando Iannucci

Tara Ariano — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 17:04:23 +0000

11:56:01 AM Tara Ariano: Too bad you have your podcast tonight: Armando Iannucci is doing a Q&A at the IFC Center tonight after a screening of “In The Loop.”
11:56:08 AM Tara Ariano: Me: “I have a question. DAN!”
11:56:16 AM Tara Ariano: “DAN!”
11:56:17 AM Tara Ariano: “DAN!”
11:56:18 AM Tara Ariano: “DAN!”
11:56:18 AM Tara Ariano: “DAN!”
11:56:18 AM Tara Ariano: “DAN!”
11:56:21 AM Tara Ariano: …
11:56:23 AM Tara Ariano: …….
11:56:27 AM Tara Ariano: “DAN!”
11:56:43 AM David Cole: Please go back to work.