Meet my favourite entry in Holy Taco’s gallery of cryptozoologists:

To be fair, when you look like this, the only jobs open to you are cryptozoologist or professor of Medieval literature. Or, as Dave added, creator of Watchmen.

Rest in peace, two-headed calf. If the Hindus are right, I hope you come back as a pair of really hot conjoined lady twins who get to headline The Box. (Or…like, two non-conjoined persons at the top of the food chain. Either way.)

I think I’ve mentioned before how much fish creep me out. This one was bad enough, with its two mouths. But now this new one, at right, ratchets the creep factor up a notch by having not just two mouths but two whole bodies fused together entirely against God’s plan. But hey, if they’re the marine equivalent of Chang and Eng, they can look forward to each getting married (to different lady fish) and having tons of fry, somehow. (Thanks to Maria and Julie for the tip.)

This one kind of reminds me of Ringo Starr.

Reader? There’s another one.

Now it’s at the point for me where even if it is another raccoon? WHY DO RACCOONS KEEP DROWNING? I have been in close proximity to a raccoon (the last thing you want to see on your front porch when you’re just trying to take the garbage out). I have seen raccoons bust into composters fastened with bungee cords. My optometrist is a raccoon. My point is that raccoons are smart — way too smart to drown. So what the hell, Montauk? Dang.

This turtle pities the fool that can’t survive equally well in water or on land!

They were just hibernating. Why were they hibernating for only a month, and in the fall? Because they don’t do things the way “nature” wants them to: they’re mutants!

Anyway: it’s a shark with feet. Now spiders are only the second-scariest thing you might find in your apartment.

The mutant threat has just ratcheted up another notch, people. It was easy to get complacent about the animals…but now there’s a human, too (or, in a sense, humans).

He’s full of heady goodness! He’s headed for greatness! He could be the head of a major corporation!

I…yeah.

Yoda, the cat with four ears.

Two-mouthed fish (like fish aren’t creepy enough).

You know, four mutants ago, I might make some kind of cute joke about what sort of genetic freak we should expect to see next, like a canary with kidney on each side of its head or a three-tongued poodle. But I kind of don’t want to tempt fate. And could I really top a Bigfoot hoax, anyway? No.

What else CAN we call the past two months, given the preponderance of mutant animals making their way out of the sewers and mocking the sunlight with their chromosomal defects. Please note the latest, at right: a two-headed turtle recently stolen (?) from its owner in Brooklyn — I assume by a government operative trying to keep a lid on all the genetic offenses that have been an affront to us Normals lately. Kind of the saddest part of the two-headed turtle story is that its/their owner apparently didn’t give it/them a name. If the poor little guy/s ever resurface/s, I still like Sacco and Vanzetti.