Growing up in a landlocked province exactly halfway between two oceans, fish was not a staple of my diet. In fact, I don’t recall my mother ever even trying to feed me any kind of seafood (other than tuna salad, or battered whitefish in a fish-and-chips scenario) until my mom married my dad came along — and the violent retching with which I met their first efforts at introducing me to shrimp is still part of family lore. (My mom didn’t want to give in to what she thought were theatrics, whereas my dad either could tell I wasn’t faking my revulsion or didn’t want to ruin his own meal with the threat that I might not choke mine down.)

As I’ve grown up, I’ve been increasingly embarrassed by my aversion to seafood. Fortunately, over time I’ve incrementally moved closer to one coast or another, so the quality of fish to which I have access has gone up. Though I wouldn’t go out of my way to have it, I can enjoy a cold shrimp appetizer, and in Hawaii I had amazing sushi made with ono (local white fish). I still haven’t had lobster. But I think I would like it. And given that it’s summer — lobster roll season in New York — it seems like the time is right.

The experts have weighed in on the best lobster roll purveyors in the city, but I am looking to you, dear reader, to advise me. Which lobster roll do you think is the best choice to be the first lobster experience of my young life?* (On the other hand, if you think I should start with lobster in some other format OR not eat lobster at all, I’m interested in those arguments as well.)

*Not young. I’m thirty-six. See why I should be embarrassed?

People are trying to work on their health, so when you’re deciding what channels to put on the TVs by the cardio machines, you need to avoid Paula’s Home Cooking.

Sometime in February, I was spending a Saturday night doing my favourite thing: lying on the couch watching TV and periodically checking Twitter, only to scroll past my friend Melissa rhapsodizing about the lemon meringue donut from Dough. Knowing she lives in another part of town, I mentioned the superior donuts at Bomboloni, not far from here. Melissa was, justifiably, offended that I thought she didn’t already know about them. The exchange gave me an idea: a New York City Donut Crawl — like a pub crawl, but with donuts. Melissa was in. Sarah jumped on too. The date was set for April 17.

Hatching this whole plan was really out of character for me because I’m kind of a health nut. HAHA just kidding, I had spent the previous weekend gorging on Easter candy at my sister’s house, so I might have paid some Twitter lip service to the idea that I was going to end the day sick, but I was pretty confident that, having not eaten anything since a very full lunch late-ish on Saturday, I’d be able to put away a good number of donuts over the course of the day. We stopped at Bomboloni and picked up a few to bring to our first stop; Sarah was bringing a representative sample from the 7th Avenue Donut Shop in Park Slope, and Melissa was bringing some from Dough.

At Doughnut Plant — where the line snaked well out the door – we were seriously, SERIOUSLY spoiled for choice. Since Melissa had asked for a Toasted Sesame, which had been my original choice, I went with the Vahlrona Chocolate instead; Sarah’s original idea was to compare the classic glazed across as many stores as she could, so I got her one of the Vanilla Bean Glazed. We took our four shops’ worth of donuts to a nearby park so that we could eat and Melissa’s son — let’s call him Woolyknickers Jr. — could run around.

I am ashamed to admit how quickly I slowed down. I ate the whole Vahlrona — it was very melty and wouldn’t have kept — but then we all started picking at the various varieties. From Bomboloni, I had brought Cotton Candy (which I thought a kid of Junior’s age would like), Raspberry, Nutella, and Toasted Marshmallow. From Dough, Melissa had brought the famous Lemon Meringue, as well as Chocolate Chipotle, Blood Orange, Dulce de Leche, Hibiscus, and Lemon Poppyseed.

I picked at a few (all amazing) before getting bold and going for the Lemon Meringue and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. It’s a fluffy yeast donut filled with tangy lemon curd and topped with a giant dollop of toasty-topped meringue. I am a fierce partisan of Bomboloni’s Toasted Marshmallow and their Raspberry, but Melissa was right: the Lemon Meringue was unreal. I have to call it the day’s Best In Show.

From the park near Doughnut Plant, we walked up to Dessert Truck Works on Clinton Street. They only had two varieties of filled donuts — Nutella and Vanilla Creme — but they’re made to order and rolled in coarse sugar, so when they are delivered to you, they’re sweet and warm and smell unbelievable. Dave had mostly been documenting the day (all the photos are, of course, his), but he made an exception to try the Nutella.

At this point, Sarah had to peel off to go back to Brooklyn, so though we had one last stop to make (at the old-school Donut Pub), we marked the day by flashing our new Donut Crawl gang sign, courtesy of Dave.

Melissa was bringing the spoils (literally) of our gluttony back to her husband, but outside Donut Pub, I tried a bite of the Toasted Sesame and named it the day’s second-place finisher; Bomboloni’s Raspberry came in third. And then Melissa and Junior went back to Williamsburg and Dave and I walked home. All told, between all the bits I tried, I probably ate a total of four donuts…but most importantly, I confirmed that time spent eating donuts anywhere other than specialty artisanal shops is, quite simply, wasted.

Obviously, we need to do a Bagel Crawl next. I’ll probably be ready this time next year.

[2/22/11 5:10:45 PM] Tara Ariano: I have a serious America question, guys.
[2/22/11 5:11:44 PM] Mark Lisanti: And now you will ask a question that reveals our lack of knowledge of our country.
[2/22/11 5:11:56 PM] Tara Ariano: No, I think you’ll get this one.
[2/22/11 5:12:12 PM] Tara Ariano: How would I go about acquiring Girl Scout cookies if I don’t know any Scouts or Scout parents?
[2/22/11 5:12:19 PM] Tara Ariano: Because, by the way, I have never had a Girl Scout cookie.
[2/22/11 5:13:44 PM] Lindsay Robertson: The only good ones are the Thin Mints
[2/22/11 5:14:37 PM] Mark Lisanti: THIN MINTS, Tara. All. Day. Long.
[2/22/11 5:14:44 PM] Mark Lisanti: Put them in the freezer.
[2/22/11 5:14:48 PM] Tara Ariano: I’ve heard that.
[2/22/11 5:14:52 PM] Mark Lisanti: They are amazing.
[2/22/11 5:15:10 PM] Tara Ariano: I think the Girl Guides (the Canadian/British/other Commonwealth version of Girl Scouts) did a Thin Mint equivalent.
[2/22/11 5:15:27 PM] Tara Ariano: It’s a chocolate cookie (like the cookie part of an Oreo) coated in minty chocolate, right?
[2/22/11 5:16:21 PM] Lindsay Robertson: Yeah
[2/22/11 5:16:26 PM] Mark Lisanti: If you do find them, buy 10 boxes.
[2/22/11 5:16:42 PM] Lindsay Robertson: The thing with thin mints is nobody can eat just 25.
[2/22/11 5:16:46 PM] Tara Ariano: hahaha
[2/22/11 5:16:50 PM] Lindsay Robertson: like, a sleeve is a serving
[2/22/11 5:16:54 PM] Lindsay Robertson: for EVERYONE
[2/22/11 5:17:19 PM] Lindsay Robertson: they’re more of a drug than a cookie
[2/22/11 5:17:38 PM] Lindsay Robertson: you have to ask yourself “am I ready to get into thin mints?”
[2/22/11 5:17:43 PM] Tara Ariano: hahaha
[2/22/11 5:17:47 PM] Lindsay Robertson: and be a thin mint person and hang out at thin mint bars?
[2/22/11 5:17:48 PM] Mark Lisanti: You will be pounding sleeves.

2:39:04 PM David Cole: Do you want a cupcake?
2:39:16 PM Tara Ariano: This is Tara.
2:39:18 PM Tara Ariano: Your wife.
2:39:26 PM Tara Ariano: Tara Ariano.

5:24:14 PM David Cole: Chili or pizza?
5:24:25 PM Tara Ariano: Is there enough chili for us both to eat it?
5:24:29 PM David Cole: Hmm
5:24:32 PM David Cole: let me check
5:25:35 PM David Cole: yes
5:25:41 PM Tara Ariano: There is?
5:25:47 PM Tara Ariano: Yesterday it looked like it was almost gone.
5:25:50 PM Tara Ariano: Okay.
5:25:52 PM David Cole: More in freezer
5:25:56 PM Tara Ariano: I see.
5:27:48 PM Tara Ariano: In that case chili.
5:27:51 PM Tara Ariano: I can get more cheese.
5:28:00 PM David Cole: not needed
5:28:10 PM Tara Ariano: You better be fucking sure.
5:28:26 PM David Cole: Still 1/2 block of the good cheddar from the party
5:28:42 PM Tara Ariano: What we were using last night?
5:29:35 PM David Cole: Cracker Barrel
5:29:37 PM David Cole: Jesus.
5:29:40 PM David Cole: THERE’S CHEESE

Dave [who has been feeling poorly]: Hey, did you bring me home a muffin I didn’t ask for?
Tara: Dave! This is why I called you before I came home to ask if you wanted anything, and you said no! I was right outside the Amish Market, I could have brought home whatever you wanted!
Dave: I know, but I didn’t want it then.
Tara: Why do you do this EVERY TIME? This isn’t even anticipating Future Dave’s needs, it’s anticipating Present Dave’s needs!
Dave: Geez, sorry.
Tara: You make me feel HORRIBLE when you do this.
Dave: Why? It’s not your fault.
Tara: It FEELS like my fault. I’m doing a bad job taking care of you. But wait, I even gave you another chance! I asked you before I put my pyjamas on! GOD! Why don’t you just learn to like those granola bars, they’re the closest thing to cookies in the house.
Dave: Sorry! I didn’t say anything!
Tara: Why do you always make me feel like a bad wife?
Dave: You take snacks way too seriously.
Tara: Dave. There’s nothing I take more seriously.

PROBLEM: The only part of the Thanksgiving dinner you won’t be having that you really care about is pumpkin pie, so you want to buy a pumpkin pie, but you married someone who doesn’t like pumpkin pie, but the store doesn’t have mini pumpkin pies, but buying a regular-size pumpkin pie means that you basically are going to end up eating an entire pumpkin pie. WHAT DO YOU DO?

SOLUTION: Just buy a pie, Hamlet, damn.

This is exciting! Honey Nut Cheerios vs. Frosted Flakes: FIGHT!

Shit just got real, you guys.